WORDS

I'm sitting here depressed because I haven't been able to find a job-the right job, yet. I'm starting to question everything in my life. My faith (christian), my ideals of what I'm good at (writing-fiction) and my sanity. I'm starting to have thoughts that are not so good....like going to sleep and staying there. Man, I guess I thought if I didn't type it then it wouldn't be so bad, but you understand what I'm talking about. I know your intelligent enough to get that feeling of utter hopelessness. It feels like your world is ending and you can't figure out how to stop it. But then I wonder if I should stop it, if maybe I shouldn't just let go and be done with all the worries and stress.

I think it all comes down to the Words......words we say.......words we think.......words we write.......even words we read. What's messed up is that we are judged by our words. My resume is filled with words, some of the best words (or so I thought) and yet before ever meeting me, speaking to me, I am turned down. Where did I go wrong.....we should be more than the sum of our words. 

We should be more than the sum of our credit. There are places that won't hire you if you have bad credit. WHAT? Your credit got bad because you didn't have the money to pay for something at the time, but that's why your trying to get a job and yet because you don't have money they won't hire you. Am I the only one who doesn't get that logic?

Anyway, my point is this; We should all be more than the sums in our pockets or the words we use. We should all take the time to get to know someone and really communicate with each other before we pass judgement.............

Well, that's my rant-what's yours.

WHY

Sun why do you still shine?

Clouds why are you still white and fluffy?

Grass why are you still so green?

How do I enter your world where everything is still so sunny?

Right now my world is cold and dark. There is nothing sunny about it. Oh, how I long to feel your warmth again. To see your golden hues again. To smell your sweet smells again.

CHANT

What was will be no more...

What is will change and rearrange, 

becoming that, what it is supposed to be...

I know the way I must pray.....

What is will be no more today!!!

DARKNESS

     Cold harsh darkness..........so dark that I can't even see my hand before my face. It's hard to breathe and I can't find a light any where. I'm scared-so very scared...I don't know what to do. I strech my arms out, hands grasping for some thing-any thing, yet at the same time I'm just a little happy to feel nothing. Things run through my head like whispers from times past. Things I wish I had said or done differently, was it to late? Oh, when will I be free of this darkness and bitter cold. One of the whispers said some thing about the bible..but I'm no good at remembering.

     (John 3:16) He so loved the world......everybody knows that one. What was that one............um....(1Samuel 2:1-11) Hannah's Prayer...yes, oh but I can't remember all of that one either. Some thing about how God Blesses the humble but brings down the haughty? I would look it up if I could see any thing. Why did that one come to mind.........of all the many verses in the bible.....why did that one come to my mind just now?

     There is another one where it talks about not acting like we are important to be humble. (1Peter 3:2-4) God spoke to me as I read verse four and led me to circle the words Ornament and in the sight of God and of great price. He told me that He sees me as the Ornamental Jewel in His Crown, of great importance to Him.

     Yet were is He now, in this darkness where I feel so alone? When every thing I know is falling apart all around me? When I shutter with cold? Why can I not feel Your warmth or see Your light? I have tried my best not to ever put myself before others...and to always ask for your forgiveness if I ever do or for any thing I have done that is displeasing to You...........and yet You are not here. Yes I have doughted and lost my faith, but I have never not once-forsaken You. I have never said that I didn't believe in You or Your existance-not once! So, why have You forsaken me? Now when I need You so badly-WHY?

AGGRAVATION, DEPRESSION, FRUSTRAITION

My brother and I tried, in taking a job with a telemarketing service. It didn't work out, but that's kind of okay because we didn't really like it anyway. I think we were just so desperate for a job that we took the first one that said they would hire us. We didn't think it through and realized (after the fact) that we just are not telemarket sales kind of people. So here we are back at the job hunt again and praying we can find one (the right one) soon. Bills will need to be payed and our parents need to be free of that burden. I'm really close to losing it here.........

A DAY IN MY LIFE

I awaken, make my bed, change my clothes and sit down at the desk. From here I begin my job search for the day and continue until my eyes cross. At that point I finally take a much needed break and get something to eat, this is my brunch. After brunch I do something different for a while, watch t.v., listen to the radio or watch one of the handful of video's that I own. Then it's another round of job searching until I go cross eyed. By then it's time for dinner and watching reruns with my Brother until time for bed. At bed time I hop into bed praying that something Great will happen the next day so I don't have to continue this process again, but so far it hasn't so I'll just keep praying.

Today

I know it's been a while since I've posted on here, but here's the low down...

My nephew is back at College (N.K.U.) for his second year and I pray things go even better for him this go around.

My lovely niece who endured back surgery is having some difficulties that cause her discomfort.

She and her Identical twin sister are in their first year of High school and I pray that they can get adjusted to High school life and enjoy it, so far they are having trouble with that.

I still haven't found my niche in this world. I'm still on the job hunt. I'm still over weight. so there you go......

REAL

"It doesn’t happen all at once…You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand." the wise old horse from The Velveteen Rabbit


Excerpt from fellow blogger http://sarasmileawhile.blogspot.com/.

Truth

I can't write...............I sit staring at a blank page (screen) for hours and nothing. Try as I might I can't find the words. I've become numb and cold all except for my eyes which burn with tears that I force back. Stifling cries I roam my only domain-my room. I can't see a future..............can't find the silver lining to these clouds. I think I'm going crazy................I am actually going insane.

Set-back after set-back, around and around I go. It never stops...........My mind reels and I can't focus, can't  see the light. How did I get here? I know it was my fault-the choices I've made...............but how do I get back. Is it possible to start all over again?

Why can't I ever change for the good, for ever?

I don't remember ever not wanting more than this.......................is that so wrong. I try and I try, and still I get no where. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't ever get ahead.

What kind of a person am I that I can't figure out the way to go? Which specific choice was it that led me so astray that I can never get back? Maybe if I knew that, I could. My heart hurts.............It bleeds for me. So many dreams............................so many chances......................but nothing.

I don't know what to say. I wouldn't know how to say it. I don't know how to change my stars. I'm not even sure I have any. God, help me I can hear my dreams dying. Death, would I welcome it? I don't want to believe so, but at this rate I'm not sure I'll have that choice. Where am I-where did I go?...................Hey Spirit, I'm looking for you. Why are you hiding from me? I can't fix what's broken if I can't find you. Don't you want to be whole? I know your in there some where because I can feel your pain.................I can hear your crying......................I feel the cold around you, feel your shivering. I know you don't want to be there any more, just like I don't want to be here any more. But, if you don't let me find you how will we ever get out of here.

Don't you want to see the light? What happened? What did I do to make you hide from me? I can't start over, can't go backwards and make it all good, but I can-and I do-ask for your forgiveness. Come on, just try to meet me half way....................JUST TALK TO ME! I can't do this on my own, I need you. Please help me. Together we are unstoppable, we are strong. Stand with me now, fight. Reach out for the light-let it in, let me in. I'll hold you until the shivering stops. I'll take you out of that cold dark place and we will RUN and be HAPPY.

Come on, tell the TRUTH.............................................

,

Trying to get fit

I made the grievous mistake the other day of weighing myself.......to my dismay the weaselly little scale read 295.4 lb's!  So that was it, right then and there I decided a lot of things needed to change around here-starting with me.

I have a smart phone and so I promptly shot my Sister a text asking if she knew of any good app's to help you with weight issues, because I know she has talked about doing some exercise with her family. She promptly answered with several suggestions for me to try.

Yesterday was my first day using her app idea's. So far so good...today I didn't do the work out on the phone app, but I spent most of the day cleaning and that counted as exercise. I lost 0.06 lb's so far, I know it's not much, but it's a start.

Well, wish me luck-I do you...................

A DAY In My Life

I awoke late, tidied up my room, then off to the kitchen to get something to drink. Fixed myself a glass of sweet iced tea, (my tea is two percent blood) then back to my room to knit or crochet and flip channels desperately looking for anything that will lift my spirits.

After a while, of flipping through channels until my eyes cross, I turn off the tv and continue fiddling with my yarn. Soon my brother is at the door, he's fixing breakfast.

Now I've joined him in his room to dine while watching him play a video game. Lunch time more of the same, only after lunch we watch a movie on netflix. Now it's back to the game and nearly dinner time.

If my job hunting doesn't pan out soon... Well that's a day in my life, how's your's going?

Sent via the PANTECH Flex, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone.

FRIEND

"Hi GOD,"

"I know we haven't talked in awhile and I'm sorry for that. I'm here today because.....I'm scared." "I know YOU have big plans for me, but it's getting hard to see through all this fog of uncertainty." "I'm depressed, GOD, really depressed and that is whats scary."

"I know YOU got this and that YOU won't ever let me down, but the skies are getting cloudy where I am and I can't see the path so well."

 "I'm depressed because of my inability to find the job YOU want for me, the one that is my destiny." "I'm depressed because the money is running out and I won't be able to pay the bills or support myself." "Depressed because my future doesn't look so bright, I have nothing for retirement or health care." "Depressed because I will never have children." "I'm worried about my future-all of our futures."

"I know YOUR watching over us always, but there are bombs, guns, poor economy and stresses here that I'm having trouble fighting." "I know I'm still under construction and I have a lot to work on, but the days seem to be getting dark and I'm not sure my light will shine bright enough to push away the clouds."

"I have nothing and don't want much." "I...I just want to be able to hold my head up with pride at the work of my hands, without the fear of rejection." "To be able to see and do more than what's in my room, without worrying about finances-how bills are getting paid, if there will be enough for the next round of bills." "To have  my own life and things that belong to me, that I can afford to take care of with ease." "To not be afraid of what is to come just because of what I don't have."

"So many dreams I have, so much of which YOU have given me." "When will they become real?" "How do I go on?" "How when it's so dark and I feel so dead inside?"

"I don't know how to fix this, where to start." "My mind reel's, my head spins, I don't know what to do!" "I don't know...I don't know."

"Well, I've got to go FRIEND for now." "Perhaps the next time will be sooner in coming." "Until then, know that I LOVE YOU and always will............................................bye"

FINALLY

Okay gang I think I have this all straightened out and looking good. Please tell me what you think.

NEWS

I'm doing some work on my blog so it might look a little crazy for a while. Just hang in there though and I hope to make it a great one.

THANK YOU

Well, GOD is so Great.........He heard my cries of whoa and has once again pulled me back from the brink of the fault line. As in my fault line......

I'm not the best Christian, I know that I am a perpetual work in progress & that I must frustrate GOD so. Yet  there He is every time grabbing hold of me at what I think is the last moment. Yeah, I know some times He must think of me as the special kid that stands to close to the cliffs edge teetering  saying why am I falling. When all I had to do was tell Him my issues, or what I see as issues, then listen & wait for Him to lead the way.

We've become to impatient, I have at least, when it comes to life.........We want the quick fix, the hurry up's, the "Get 'R' Done's". We forget to just lay back, relax and listen.

In my last post I was feeling the crunch of to many bills & not enough money. Instead of going to GOD and waiting for an answer I sort of lost it. The job I had was a great one, but only part-time. With the holidays, economy, and rival business  moving in, my hours had to be cut back. While I understood this, I needed full-time work. I had applied for another job, but I hadn't heard anything from them and so I started to go a little nuts, thus the last posting.

I am so very happy to report that GOD has once again showed me His Mighty Power. Yesterday, I had decided to rearrange my bedroom and got frustrated when my Brother and I couldn't move some pieces.  Our Dad was called and he came right over and helped get the job done, Thanks Again Dad. After he left I got a call from the employer that I had been waiting for-"I GOT THE JOB!!!" I've gone through orientation today and start work tomorrow, which is well before the first of March.

This evening I spent some time in my room, with only a small fragment of light from the kitchen through the open door, laying back on my bed relaxing and just listening to the silence, how peaceful it was. How Awesome the Power of Peace and Quiet.

What a Great GOD I serve.............................................................................................................

ARRRGH!!!!

Okay God, I'm gonna need the remedial class on this one.

WHY! Oh why is it that every time we try to get ahead-and actually seem to be getting some where-that the rug is pulled, violently, out from under us.  Just when we think things are looking up and might, just for once, go the right way-"CRASH"!

Well, kido's this might be the last blog post I make, because if things don't change before the first of March, we'll be living on the street.

"AS A MAN THINKITH" or "MEMORIES"

Today I started the day late having slept in. I awoke around 8 a.m. and started my day in the usual way, making the bed, getting dressed and so on.  I then jumped onto the World Wide Web, to see what-if anything-was new and to look up a few things. As I suspected there wasn't anything new on the web and, as luck would have it, my brother was at the door asking if I wanted to indulge in an old custom of ours.

When we were kids we would get up early on Saturday mornings grab a bowl of cereal and camp out in front of the T.V. to watch cartoons and other 

various entertaining shows. Well, of course, I said yes and hoped to it. He had found some of the old shows that we used to watch on youtube. The good ones that tried to teach you something...not sell. Shows like the "Banana Splits", "Laugh Olympics", "Space Ghost", "Blue Falcon & Dynomut", "Scoobie Doo", "The Jetsons", "The Flintstones", and so on.

It got me to thinking about days gone by and about all the good times we had sitting around the T.V. as a family and enjoying the show (and yes, sometimes a meal, mostly snacks though). Kids and families don't do that anymore......................there always seems to be an argument going or everyone is parceled out in other rooms watching something different in each one. Maybe my family is just weird, but some of our best times where when we were all together watching T.V. Now that's not to say that children should spend all their time in doors around the T.V., but maybe if just once in a while the family did something like that the kids would feel more stable in their own skin at other times.

For instance: my nephew said something that hurt my feelings a little bit, over the Christmas break. Eighteen years old, home from College, he tells me that he feels "Damaged". Not in the physical sense, but emotionally/mentally. Now, I quickly told him this wasn't true-that "He Was Not Damaged"-the situation, the family dynamic maybe, but HE was most definitely not. I know I'm not perfect, the family isn't perfect and things around us are not perfect, but then we don't live in perfect. I do know this though, that, for a few brief moments in the lifetime of my memory we were just a family sitting in front of the T.V. watching a world go by, and loving each other. Yeah those were the days when life's melodrama's took a backseat to Family time, when the only discussions were about who was doing what in the show's. Life seemed to stop for those few brief shining moments in time, but I guess that's why they call them memories...what do you remember?