Truth

I can't write...............I sit staring at a blank page (screen) for hours and nothing. Try as I might I can't find the words. I've become numb and cold all except for my eyes which burn with tears that I force back. Stifling cries I roam my only domain-my room. I can't see a future..............can't find the silver lining to these clouds. I think I'm going crazy................I am actually going insane.

Set-back after set-back, around and around I go. It never stops...........My mind reels and I can't focus, can't  see the light. How did I get here? I know it was my fault-the choices I've made...............but how do I get back. Is it possible to start all over again?

Why can't I ever change for the good, for ever?

I don't remember ever not wanting more than this.......................is that so wrong. I try and I try, and still I get no where. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't ever get ahead.

What kind of a person am I that I can't figure out the way to go? Which specific choice was it that led me so astray that I can never get back? Maybe if I knew that, I could. My heart hurts.............It bleeds for me. So many dreams............................so many chances......................but nothing.

I don't know what to say. I wouldn't know how to say it. I don't know how to change my stars. I'm not even sure I have any. God, help me I can hear my dreams dying. Death, would I welcome it? I don't want to believe so, but at this rate I'm not sure I'll have that choice. Where am I-where did I go?...................Hey Spirit, I'm looking for you. Why are you hiding from me? I can't fix what's broken if I can't find you. Don't you want to be whole? I know your in there some where because I can feel your pain.................I can hear your crying......................I feel the cold around you, feel your shivering. I know you don't want to be there any more, just like I don't want to be here any more. But, if you don't let me find you how will we ever get out of here.

Don't you want to see the light? What happened? What did I do to make you hide from me? I can't start over, can't go backwards and make it all good, but I can-and I do-ask for your forgiveness. Come on, just try to meet me half way....................JUST TALK TO ME! I can't do this on my own, I need you. Please help me. Together we are unstoppable, we are strong. Stand with me now, fight. Reach out for the light-let it in, let me in. I'll hold you until the shivering stops. I'll take you out of that cold dark place and we will RUN and be HAPPY.

Come on, tell the TRUTH.............................................

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