DEPRESSION

 Or rejection stones in my pocket as I wade into the deep water.

“I have called you by name, you are mine. “ Isaiah 43:1

The thought just went through my head of an A. A. type group. A room filled with people and the speaker says “Hello, my name is Robin and I’m Depressed”. There are a lot of people who could be a part of such a group.

Depression is an inescapable tomb. I feel unworthy of climbing out of that pit of despair. I became so ensnared within my own sadness that I had begun to have deep dark thoughts of hurting myself.

The deep, underlying reason for my depression is REJECTION-or rather the FEAR of REJECTION.

I became so afraid of being rejected that I let it stiffle my entire being. The creative things that I once enjoyed doing, I have no interest in now. The happiness I used to feel-gone. I've become even more introverted feeling safe only within and yet...I have at times rejected myself.

Yes, that's right-I have rejected myself. I've actually participated in the self talk of "your so stupid", "you can't do anything right". So yes it is very possible to reject ones self.

There are those around me that, although they mean well, really don't help with the "well cheer up ", "well if you would get out of the house you might feel better". They just don't understand...depression isn't something that you can just flip a switch and it's over. No, it's something that's with you all your life. If it wasn't there wouldn't be any deaths because of it.

Recently though I've come to see things in a different light. A distant relative and I have started talking through Facebook/messenger. She had come across this youtube series called "The Chosen" that she thought might help me.

Yes, it is religious, but it isn't (at least not to me) a shove it down your throat kind of thing. It is interesting to me how they have brought to life the characters. Each one comes to life in away that just reading the Bible never really did for me.

It made sense to me from the beginning. And I've learned things about the different characters that reading never showed me. Like Matthew, his character was literally hated by even his own family just because he was good at his job. Now, I don't know if they meant to do this or if I'm just seeing things, but I felt like Matthew has a form of autism. I mean he's super good at math and doesn't lie, cheat or steal. He's honest to a fault and is so misunderstood because of it. If anyone could be depressed it's him...REJECTED by his piers, co-workers and his own family.

Yet JESUS saw him just as a person. "ARE YOU COMING"?, JESUS said to him the first time he saw him. There were no papers to fill out-no background or credit checks. There wasn't an allotment of time spent in thought about it. No HE simply asked Matthew "ARE YOU COMING"? JESUS, wanted him with the group. HE wanted Matthew with HIM. JESUS found Matthew WORTHY of being near HIM.

I guess I've felt like Matthew to a certain degree-that being REJECTION. You feel unheard, unwanted, not understood. Like no one really cares for or about you. Lost totally alone. Like no one even knows your name. And then JESUS says "I have called you by name, you are MINE." and "ARE YOU COMING"?

YES I AM!!!!!